When Do the 49ers Play Football Again
Some people are fans of the San Francisco 49ers. Simply many, many more people are Not fans of the San Francisco 49ers. This 2021 Defector NFL squad preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews and so far hither .
Your team: San Francisco 49ers.
Your 2020 record: 6-ten, with an injured reserve listing every bit long and star-studded equally an "In Memoriam" reel at the Oscars. All of them, dead. This squad had and so many injuries last season that their fucking MRI truck broke down. Aaron Rodgers took them to the woodshed. The only winning team they beat was a lifeless Rams team on the verge of teardown fashion. They had to demote Nick Mullens for C.J. Beathard. Finally, they got kicked out of their own stadium when county officials banned all contact sports mid-pandemic and forced them to play their final ii dwelling house games in Arizona, where infection rates were fifty-fifty worse. When y'all're an NFC team and y'all lose a Super Basin, the hangover is E'er a cruel one. Surely, a plummet this swift and definitive called for modify at the superlative, did it not?
No?
Your coach: Fuck.
That'due south Kyle Shanahan, aka Football Kendall Roy. Shanny still has a losing career record and had his all-time assistant omnibus go out for the Jets. And nonetheless not only is Shanny still here, he'due south in charge of everything. You can't take a shit at the Niners' stadium without Kyle granting you lot permission. The worst office is that he just bought himself 3 more years of power afterwards ruining the starting time retail-cost quarterback he was given. Difficult to believe that, in the Bay Expanse, a white guy with a famous dad but unremarkable accomplishments would be handed a billion-dollar company.
Exercise they accept a Guy on the coaching staff? DeMeco Ryans, Wes Welker, AND Leonard Hankerson on this staff. Information technology's a Guy-kakke!
Your quarterback: In what tin can only be described equally a master plan, the Niners handed Jimmy Garoppolo nearly $50 1000000 guaranteed 3 years ago, watched him hurt every bachelor body function, let him twist all offseason until his trade value became lower than an NFT of the Emmanuel Sanders Super Bowl incompletion, failed to replace him with Aaron Rodgers, failed to replace him with the charred remains of Matthew Stafford, and then traded not i merely 3 showtime-round picks to motility up in the typhoon and accept a guy who aspired to play quarterback for U-Minnesota in loftier school and was told no.
That new quarterback is North Dakota State's own Trey Lance, who played at Carson Wentz's alma mater. And before y'all say, "Well wait, no ane can exist a bigger pile of shit than Carson Wentz," please heed this warning:
"When Carson Wentz was coming out, scouts would say, 'Requite me a crimson flag,'" said quondam NDSU coach Chris Klieman, now at Kansas Country. "I'd tell them in that location isn't ane. The aforementioned with Trey Lance, at that place'due south not one red flag about him."
At present there is. Any enthusiasm notwithstanding reverberating from the Lance pick is due solely to the fact that he'southward not Mac Jones. Who the fuck wants Mac Jones? All Mac Jones did was play for three years with and against pro-level talent, at the best school in history in terms of NFL player evolution. WHAT A CHUMP. No no no, gimme the dude who merely played simply one total season of college football, in 2019, and only played one game final season—a rousing victory over the powerhouse that is Central Arkansas—before the rest of North Dakota Country'south season was postponed until spring due to the pandemic and he opted out of information technology. THAT'Southward the guy I want. I want a guy who'due south every bit raw a prospect equally a newborn infant. And I don't want the Niners to have ANY short-term future for him to prosper within. That manner, Jed York will never take a viable excuse to shitcan my asshole head coach. THIS IS Bliss.
For the moment, Lance has already been declared a fill-in, and and then I get to read 58,000 puff pieces nearly how Really yes, Jimmy Garoppolo is fine with this and not bitter at all and he couldn't ask for a meliorate teammate. This is the collegiality equivalent of every 10 player's articulatio genus feels amend than information technology ever has! preseason lie, which Garoppolo himself is often a subject of. So we'll practise the whole dog-and-pony show near the Niners taking their time with Lance correct up to the moment where Garoppolo has his own femur shoved upwards his donkey in the heart of a September game. Afterwards that, your options are Nate Sudfeld and Josh Rosen, both of which are hilarious for singled-out reasons. Bet you didn't even know Josh Rosen was still in the NFL. Information technology's OK. No one did.
What's new that sucks: Slim pickings hither. Jerick McKinnon, Tevin Coleman, Solomon Thomas, and Richard Sherman are all gone. This is the first of what volition be a gradual exodus of everyone from the Super Basin squad. Information technology'south similar when the Harbaugh Niners fell apart, just slower and more painful. To ease the sting, the Niners brought in running dorsum Wayne Gallman, occasional 200-rating passer Mohamed Sanu, and center Alex Mack. WHOA HOLY SHIT Information technology'S Similar THE 1995 NINERS ROSTER ALL OVER AGAIN!
What has always sucked: Meanwhile, everyone in Santa Clara still resents the Niners' presence in their community, the same style San Franciscans resent the homeless:
Following criticism from San Francisco 49ers caput coach Kyle Shanahan that Santa Clara County did not give his team an advanced alert that county officials would be shutting down Levi'south Stadium for the foreseeable futurity because of the COVID-19 pandemic, a county official fired back and questioned the 49ers' values. County executive Jeff Smith said information technology was hard to believe the team had no indication the shutdown was coming "given how serious the situation is both locally and across the country," and suggested the team should cease playing altogether.
The Niners simply arrived in Santa Clara seven years ago, remember. In that time, they've been sued by the boondocks, had their rent increased instead of reduced equally requested, tried to bill the town over half a mil for floor polishing, may take illegally used a public golf game course as an overflow parking lot, and accused a city attorney of harassing them over Zoom. So is it really a shock that the Niners deserted San Francisco merely to have their new hometown say, Actually, information technology would be better if yous guys merely folded? Of course not.
The Niners are a flawless instance study for how a North American sports team can engineer a vast relocation scheme without technically relocating. It's no different from the Atlanta Braves moving to the Greenwich of Georgia, or the Texas Rangers abandoning a stadium built for them congenital in 1994 in favor of an oversized Bass Pro Shop that everyone in the world already fucking hates. It's the story of a team with a long history and a devoted fanbase deliberately re-engineering themselves into parasitic afterthought. Jed York got the municipal part of this plan down cold. The on-field product isn't far behind.
All the luxury box holders just left the Bay Expanse to colonize Lake Tahoe. Nick Bosa is a racist white girl magnet.
What might not suck: I believe, and I really do mean this, that Trey Sermon will be a better NFL player than his college teammate Justin Fields. The OTHER Trey will not be.
Ratto says: Kyle Shanahan is a genius, as anyone familiar with his 29-35 record will adjure. Yes, they've had injuries, but nobody ever blamed injuries for the finish of the Ottoman Empire. 49er fans, existence the revolting frontrunners they are, will dear Shanahan until they go four-iv in the kickoff half and they need the render of Jim Tomsula to bring the squad back to its historic roots. BEST NAME TO HEAR ON TV: Deommodore Lenoir, with a hat/tip to Josh Rosen.
HEAR Information technology FROM NINERS FANS!
Patrick:
I hope they somehow trade for Aaron Rodgers just to watch him shit all over this coaching staff.
Scott:
I accept season tickets on the shady side of the stadium with fast admission to decent beer and clean restrooms. It's nonetheless difficult to figure out why I should become watch a game.
Christopher:
Jed York'southward hairline.
Jesse:
Every year we are treated to countless offseason workout hype vids just for half our roster to be on IR past week 4.
Kevin:
The only one of my friends who is as well a fan swears that his PSL was a savvy investment that'southward gonna beginning paying off soon.
Sean:
The more Jimmy G plays, the more than Kyle Shanahan looks like a hopeless alcoholic on the sidelines. He can't throw the brawl more than than 20 yards and has the leadership qualities of a sixteen-year-sometime manager at McDonalds.
Fuck Chip Kelly with a rusty spoon.
Josh:
We used three firsts on a quarterback whose claim to fame is running over 210-pound FCS linebackers. Now he joins a squad that loses four running backs to injuries every year.
Robb:
Recollect Jeff Tomsula? I would, except my brain got incinerated by the enormous magnifying glass that wonder boy put in his new stadium in suburban San Jose.
J.
Hopefully the California exodus participants took the Niners' injuries with them.
Ty:
I'm an optimist. I'm absolutely positive that last season was the fluke, not the Super Bowl season. I'g positive that the injuries that ravaged the squad a year agone will not be as severe or common. I'k positive the 49ers will make the playoffs and, quite possibly, the Super Bowl. Finally, I'm quite positive Kyle Shanahan will piss information technology away once more by being too smart for his own skilful.
Michael:
Equally for Santa Clara, what used to be a somewhat quirky Palo Alto burb with an occasionally plucky Jesuit Academy is at present a fiefdom overrun with Intel bros and VC ghouls. To Simply be comfortable in Santa Clara your family better be clearing 140k a twelvemonth to live in a creaky subdivision and drive a six-year-old Camry.
One of my earliest happiest memories is of my Dad holding my hand while we walked down a Chinatown street. My Steve Young t-shirt jersey reaching practically to my knees. I talked to my Dad last nighttime and the about enthusiasm he could muster was that Robert Saleh is a hell of a DC. When I reminded him that Saleh was at present the caput motorbus of the Jets, he said and I quote, "Huh. That's not gonna work out well for anyone."
Kyle Shanahan probably kicks dogs for sport.
Josh:
1. Terminal flavour, like clockwork, the commentators would say: "This team has been decimated past injuries. Starting on the offensive line today nosotros have a used Amana refrigerator, a recently called-upward exercise squad parking attendant, and a fatty guy who showed up early to the game in a Patrick Willis bailiwick of jersey. And on crime we're going to run into a ham sandwich at running back taking handoffs from a t-shirt cannon mounted to a Razor scooter. BUT any team coached by Shanahan has a chance!"
2. By nigh week 6 information technology was axiomatic there were no viable quarterbacks on the squad. They kicked the tires on every has-been former starting quarterback in the phone volume except for a sometime 49er that came one play away from winning a Super Basin and who is rather famously available, in shape, waiting for a phone call from a team. They decided it was a better service to the fans to forfeit the season in early October than to bring on a player who took the bold public stance that killing black people is, in fact, bad.
Leland:
We oasis't won a Super Bowl since baggy jeans, a turtleneck and a sport coat was considered an appropriate outfit for formal occasions. Nosotros might non win another until that tendency returns.
Kyle:
The Niners are setting me up. I know it. They make the big trade upwardly for the QB everyone wanted. They re-signed all of their big free agents to reasonable deals. They brought back Jimmy G in instance Lance isn't set. They brought back the 1994 throwbacks, my single favorite thing they've fifty-fifty worn.
Information technology'southward got to be a set up Jimmy Thousand is gonna break his fibula opening week. Bosa is going to go full MAGA and poisonous substance the locker room culture, Trey Lance is gonna exist in concussion protocol by Week 5.
Tim:
The team sits right in the heart of Silicon Valley across from a shitty strip mall with Indian nutrient you love, in a stadium with summer temperatures hotter than Venus and arguably worse air quality. Frying your fans to a well-baked so they buy more $20 bottles of water is a characteristic, not a bug.
We fired our elevation-10 QB, who came this shut to winning the Super Basin, for the chance to lookout a QB who played three games in college in front of 11 cows and a guy who got arrested trying to break into the Capitol.
Oh only we're supposed to worship our motorcoach (49ers record: 31-36) because he can throw a football into a pizza oven.
Andrew:
It'southward in the suburbs of an entirely unlike city, and not even the side by side closest city. If you manage to get there, you get slowly broasted to expiry by the unblinking dominicus while staring at a 10-story wall of fucking luxury suites on what would be the shady side of the stadium. People live in San Francisco because we like it to be 62 degrees outside every day of the twelvemonth – nosotros don't want to watch our football inside Paulie Walnuts' sun tanning reflector. We play in a division with the Seahawks, and take to go in there every yr and see immediate the advantage of a stadium engineered to dilate oversupply dissonance like a Marshall stack. But when we have the risk to blueprint our own dwelling house field advantage, do nosotros copy them? No, we brand sure the fans are as lethargic and disengaged equally possible.
Fuck Kyle Williams.
Jean:
It was a pleasure watching my team final season go from a SB run to everyone on the squad having Garoppolo's Exploding Leg Syndrome starting in Week ii.
Jimmy 1000 is the almost handsome man with no legs since Gary Sinise.
With the 49ers recent history of human knee and talocrural joint issues, I'm absolutely terrified to play a team coached past Dan Campbell in Calendar week 1.
Kevin:
Nobody locally gives a shit about this team anymore. They moved so far s that people north of the Gilt Gate care more about the Seahawks than this shitpile.
We are the Dolphins of the NFC West: a once well-regarded franchise with its best days in the past.
Ash:
Every year, everyone (accurately) bags on Levi's Stadium for being a Rhode Island abroad from its namesake city, looking similar someone gave a freight elevator a glow-up, and feeling like you're continuing in the middle of a solar subcontract in Arizona.
What they leave out is how the closer you lot go to the stadium, the more it looks like an 80s sci-fi fine art piece full of glossy buildings and highways and maybe a flight car and no sign of actual human life. It's nothing but giant corporate monoliths and landscaped parking lots and dying, fungus-infested palm trees. Information technology has all the graphic symbol of landing on Arrakis, except there a sandworm would eat you immediately and terminate your misery, which is something the 49ers are completely incapable of doing.
Matt:
The Niners desire to reject their host city, and that feeling is entirely mutual. The team and the City of Santa Clara are constantly bickering over ongoing stadium operations. It'due south gotten to the indicate where current owner and forever failchild Jed York actively financed a slate of City Council candidates to get his way. The squad besides demanded that Santa Clara fire its auditor when that accountant uncovered "discrepancies" (which is probably a charitable term for ratfuckery) in the manner the team was managing the stadium finances. (Credit to Neil deMause at Field of Schemes).
Eddie DeBartolo was pardoned by Trump.
Yous'll never convince me that Nick Bosa wasn't at the coup in January.
Sam:
In a league that feels like nothing but a contemptuous, empty exercise in branding, it is disheartening to know your team is the About cynical, empty do in branding.
I've never been to Levis and I doubt I ever will, that since the stadium was designed without the presence of humans in heed.
Patrick Willis retired early to become away from this team and promptly got scammed out of millions by Proto Adam Neumann.
Jeremy:
The new stadium is an air fryer that doubles as a football venue. You become to a game and are surrounded by crypto bros hopped up on biohacker supplements arguing whether Richard Branson or Jeff Bezos is a better fucking astronaut. Or woke Karens with their quiverfull of homeschooled, unvaccinated children in tow, wearing a Blackness Lives Matter t-shirt while chewing out a concession stand worker because they don't sell raw water or offer locally sourced nacho cheese.
Submissions for the NFL previews are already closed, alas. Next up: Los Angeles Chargers.
Source: https://defector.com/why-your-team-sucks-2021-san-francisco-49ers/
0 Response to "When Do the 49ers Play Football Again"
Post a Comment